I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not to write about my breastfeeding experience thus far. Partially because trying to find the time right now to sit and gather my thoughts properly is damn near impossible with a 6 month old that needs constant attention. But mostly it’s because of the fact that it’s a very emotional and touchy subject for me at the moment.
I just want to start this off by reiterating that this is MY experience. Everyone is different. Every baby is different. What works for one person, might not work for another. So however you feed your baby – whether it’s exclusively breastfeeding, combination, or formula feeding – that is YOUR decision, and you don’t ever need to make yourself feed bad for whatever choice you make for you and your baby.
I’m sure from reading the title of this post, you can gather that breastfeeding has been a bit of a struggle. I had no idea what to expect of it; none of the women in my family breastfed, save for an aunt or two, so I had no experience of what it even looked like firsthand.
Breastfeeding your baby is recommended because of all of the health benefits it has for baby. So I told myself that I would absolutely try to exclusively breastfeed Aidan from the start. If we got on well, great! If not, I would not beat myself over it, because at least I tried.
In the first few days, it was difficult. Aidan didn’t latch on very well in the beginning, leaving me in pain and bleeding. It was so bad that he would even spit up MY blood at times. I was sleep-deprived, an emotional wreck whilst waiting for my milk to come in. When it did, I was even more of an emotional wreck (lol #hormones). But slowly, after a few days, we got the hang of things.
At every check up we had in the beginning, all of the midwives and health visitors that I saw commended me on exclusively breastfeeding. And I honestly did not understand why. I was just doing what I was supposed to be doing, so I didn’t see why they were making such a big deal about it. And now, I get it. Now I know just how HARD it is, because it’s nearly broken me at times.
As the weeks went on, I fed him around the clock. It felt like I did nothing BUT feed him. Which I knew that’s what it would be like in the beginning. But what I didn’t realize, was that there were days where he’d have growth/feeding spurts. Where I would be in bed sometimes ALL DAY just nursing him. He was a champion eater, I’ll give him that.
As time went on, he (obviously) got bigger and fed more and more. Everyone suggested, to give myself a bit of a break sometimes, that maybe I should start supplementing him with a bottle of formula. Which, to my surprise, I absolutely refused. I became so determined, so obsessed with breastfeeding him that I didn’t want to entertain the idea at all.
I think when Aidan was about 3.5-4 months old is when I finally caved and started supplementing him with formula. And I cried. And cried and cried. I knew I was doing the right thing for him, because I just could not keep up with his needs solely breastfeeding. But it made me feel like an absolute failure, unable to give him the most vital thing he needed.
A few weeks ago, Aidan slowly started wanting more and more bottle feeds instead of nursing. It seems he’s caught on to the fact that it’s much easier to get the food he wants out of the bottle vs. breastfeeding and has ran with it. No matter how hard I’ve tried to nurse him, he just doesn’t want to most of the time. Plus, he’s started on solids now, so needless to say that’s MUCH more interesting to him. And because of all of this, my supply has decreased massively. I try to pump when I can, but the reality is that I just don’t feel like I have the time (or energy due to lack of sleep) to do so.
As of right now, we’re down to one or two nursing sessions a day. He always has a morning feed in bed when he first wakes up, and sometimes a feed in the evening/dream feed. I don’t know how much longer we will keep up with it, if I’m honest. My goal was to make it to 6 months with some type of breastfeeding, so at least we’ve done that.
I didn’t think that this would upset me as much as it has. But when you’ve invested so much time and effort into giving something your all, it’s devastating when it doesn’t pan out how you thought it would. Trying to exclusively breastfeed him has literally consumed my life. I have cried so much over breastfeeding. Like, a ridiculous amount. It has had a negative impact on my mental health and it has taken me this long to realize how much of that has been down to me and how I’ve been handling this.
If I could have done things a bit differently, I would have. Instead of berating myself constantly, I would have cheered myself on for the decisions that I was making that were best for my baby. I would have stopped saying I’ve failed him. And I would have asked for help from a lactation consultant, because that’s the one thing I didn’t do.
If you’re struggling with breastfeeding, don’t hesitate to look for help. Don’t wait until you’re on the brink of a breakdown. And don’t feel guilty if you feel just CAN’T do it. What you’re doing is your best and you cannot fault yourself for that.
xx Lauren
BREASTFEEDING HELP & SUPPORT:
National Breastfeeding Helpline
Association of Breastfeeding Mothers
La Leche League
National Childbirth Trust (NCT)
